WINTER HAS COME WITH A VENGEANCE – Even neighbour Jan has forsaken his rugby shorts for a pair of cords. Cattle have been moved from their soon-to-be-snow-covered mountain camps to whatever grazing is still available down here in the valley.
Morning coffee on my stoep is only bearable if laced with a tot of Klipdrift. “If diesel wasn’t R10 a litre, a trip to the KZN coast would be great just to thaw out,” Jan said. “I’m bored out of my skull. Soapies aren’t worth watching – they’re all repeats – our rugby’s gone to the dogs, there’s nothing to do. So what do you do all day, Townie?” “Play on my computer,” I said. “Teach me!” For someone who’s just managed to unravel the mysteries of the cellphone, I knew I was in for a hard time.
Seated at my computer, I started with a rudimentary lesson on the workings of the keyboard. “Forget about all the F-buttons at the top (I didn’t know what they were for anyway) and the numbers on the right and concentrate on the remaining 75 keys,” I instructed. Jan’s eyes misted over and I knew I’d lost him already. Plan B. Go onto Google. Type in “cattle breeding”. Now I had his interest! “This thing’s like an encyclopaedia,” Jan marvelled as information scrolled down the screen. I followed this with searches for “global warming” and “weather”. “All this at a touch of a button?” was Jan’s incredulous response. “What else can it do?” I got up and closed my office door in case Wifey Dear surprised us.
I went onto a girlie site at exorbitant expense, complete with animation and sound effects. Jan’s eyes were on stalks and his mouth agape. “Sies, now I know what you do all day and night!” “No Jan, you’ve got it wrong. This is merely a demonstration of what the internet’s all about,” I protested. A week later I was checking my e-mail when I received one from Jan! “Stop perving, Townie and come over for a dop,” it said. When I got to his house, he dragged me straight to his computer. “Something’s wrong with it, Townie, look what it’s saying!” Across the screen was the message: “You have performed an illegal operation and your computer will be shut down”.
I asked, “What were you doing before this message appeared?” “I got an e-mail from someone called Myra who asked if I’d like to see her naked and suggested I push the attachment symbol. So I did and this is what happened!” “You’ve got a virus, Jan.” “But Townie, you didn’t tell me the clap could be spread on computers!” – Derek Christopher |fw
