To call neighbour Jan intellectually challenged is a bit harsh. At 16 and still in standard 6, he discovered rugby and girls. After that, nothing else mattered. His proficiency in the scrum was soon discovered by a rugby talent scout who nurtured his career right up to provincial level. Talent scouts of the female variety discovered his prowess on the couch. Education was the last thing on his mind.
In despair, his father took him out of school to work on the farm, where he really took to the soil. Now in his dotage, Jan’s playing catch-up. “Teach me computers, Townie,” he asked. He’d mastered the buttons on his TV, so I figured there was hope for him yet. “We’ll start with definitions of computer technology, Jan.”
Monitor – keeping an eye on the braai.
Keyboard – where you hang the bakkie keys.
Hard drive – trip back home without beer.
Modem –what you do to the lawns.
Mouse – what eats the grain in the sheds.
Mainframe –what holds the shed up.
Byte – what mosquitoes do.
Megabyte – what really big mosquitoes do.
Chip – a bar snack.
Microchip – what’s left in the packet after you’ve eaten the chips.
Dot matrix – Fanie’s wife.
Software – plastic knives and forks you get at KFC.
Hardware – stainless steel knives and forks you get at Boardmans.
Website – under the afdak.
Cursor – someone who swears a lot.
Search engine –
what you do when the bakkie won’t start.
Yahoo – what you say when it does.
Mail server – bloke who takes your order at the pub.
Network – when you have to repair your fishing net.
Internet – complicated fish net repair.
Netscape – when fish manoeuvre out of reach of the net.
Online – when you get the laundry hung out.
Offline – when the pegs don’t hold the washing up.
“That’ll do for your first lesson Jan,” I said. “You’re taking the piss, Townie! Here are a few definitions for you!”
Abdicate – you’ve given up all hope of having a flat stomach.
Willy-nilly – you’re impotent.
Balderdash – your rapidly receding hairline.
Circumvent – the opening in the front of your under-rods.
Prick – what you are when you’re not sticking yourself with a needle.
For someone who hadn’t passed standard 6, Jan had an impressive vocabulary. Perhaps I’ll get serious about teaching him computers. Hmm, I wonder what would happen if I pushed this? Oh, hell! I’ve just lost everything I’ve written! – Derek Christopher |fw
