We all know Holland is as flat a pancake. So you can imagine the reaction from Wifey Dear’s Dutch relatives when we drove them from the airport to our farm, which is surrounded by mountains well over 2 000m high. “You’re living in the Alps!” they gushed. And if they’d come in winter they certainly would have thought so!
Pale-skinned and perspiring in the heat, after the freezing winter the Hollanders had left behind, they were nevertheless eager to explore the farm and the mountain trails, so I thought it prudent to explain the dangers. Starting with my favourite phobia – snakes! “We have many species, two of which can kill you – puffadders and cobras. The adder is so well camouflaged, you’d step on it before you saw it. And its strike is lightning-fast – you could lose a limb if you don’t get to hospital quickly. Cobras are usually bright yellow and if one bites you, I hope you’ve written out a will. Leopards have also been seen in the mountains,” I continued, “and baboons can be dangerous, so don’t taunt them. A bushpig family grazes in the lucerne, so skirt around them when you go walkabout.”
“Are there crocodiles and hippos in the dams and are there lions too?” they asked, looking even paler. “I don’t think so, but there used to be some years ago.” They’d planned a three-week stay, but after a week of not venturing outside, we were at our wits end trying to entertain them. “Please Jan, take them for an outing,” I pleaded over morning coffee on my stoep. “We need a break from TV all day and the incessant babble”. Always willing to oblige, neighbour Jan took them to a game farm in our vicinity. They returned at dusk, even paler than when they’d left. “See lots of animals?” I asked. “Oh, yes, hippo, rhino, even lions!” they shuddered. “Well, I’ve planned a walk up the mountain tomorrow,” I announced enthusiastically.
After breakfast the next morning they broke the news: “We’ve come so far from home it would be such a pity not to see more of your country. So we’ve decided to hire a car and go touring. Perhaps to Cape Town.” And they rushed off to pack their bags. Neighbour Jan arrived for coffee just as their hire car arrived and we waved them a fond farewell. “Their sudden departure was rather unexpected,” I remarked to Jan. “Could’ve been something I said, Townie,” he offered. “What?”
“I told them all the big game they saw at the game farm had been captured on our farms! Thought I was doing you a favour.” “Let’s keep that to ourselves,” I whispered, in case Wifey Dear was listening. – Derek Christopher
